No hands!

I'm packing up to leave. It's hard to pack because we don't have a scale, and I have no idea how heavy 22 kgs is. I always thinks I have a rough estimate, but I'm not so sure anymore. I can lift the suitcase with one hand, so I guess that's a good sign. The burly luggage handlers can surely lift it with both hands to load it into the airplane. .. why do I have so much stuff? It doesn't feel like I have that much stuff but when I think about it, that's the only stuff I own in this world and it all fits into two suitcases. Well, I own more, but I had to take it out because of heavy fears. I only wear two outfits anyway. I don't know what all these clothes are for.

So nine months has past since I've last been to Canada. I've lived in three different places, learned how to speak german somewhat, and met no one. I saw a lot of amazing things like everything in Berlin, the Stuttgart oktoberfest, swiss dolphins, Russian family dinners, east germany (including the scary incident in Ehrfurt). So many memories... and I never cut my hair. This mane is ridiculous! I think it's grown almost a foot since it was last cut. I had short bangs when I left, now they are past my chins. Yes, chins. Damn you delicious german food!

Priorities in Canada: get a job, lose weight. Thank god for drop-in gyms. I was thinking of joining pilates too, but I think it might be too expensive for my budget. I was planning on riding my bike everywhere too, but Eli informed me that it was stolen--again. When Anna and I brought our bikes here, I was like, "We should get locks!" she didn't understand why since our bikes are ugly and old and no one would want to steal them. Those standards don't matter in Canada. People will steal a bike whatever condition it is in. Here, beautiful bikes lay around unlocked. I guess no one wants to steal a bike because everyone has a bike. Seriously, at this one school there's probably 300-400 bikes outside in the bike racks. Germany is a bike country. Bike roads, split bike/human walkways, bike bridges, bike racks everywhere. I almost get runover daily.. stupid bikes. And no one wears a helmet! Sometimes I see people riding their bikes with no hands, smoking or talking on their cell phone (sometimes both), no helmet, and a baby in the back... horrible.

Random Germany

These pictures are taken in and around Konstanz and Kreuzlingen. Anna found it weird that I was taking pictures of garbage cans, food places, and underpasses... but they're different from canada! Here's the first one.. reminds me of a Slim Pickin's/Dear Diary song...

I've got solar power, I've got solar power.......

This is graffiti near my apartment


The German's love their asparagus


This looks like an old oil drum but it's where they deposit their glass bottles. No money for wine bottles here!


Our dinner friend at the Gay restaurant, Schmitt's, in Konstanz


Weird water fountain nipple in Switzerland


The German children in signs are less co-operative than Canadian signs.. look at the buckling knees!


I want this little van. It's the cutest. It's like those power wheel cars my brothers had when we were little.

Flooding

I woke up in pain and it was still dark out. It couldn't have been too early though because the birds were chirping. I forgot that the blinds were down so maybe the sun had just started to rise. I lied in bed and recalled my dream.

I was in Downtown, Vancouver, under an overpass, moving snow in to slushy piles. It was raining and I was talking on my cell phone to Benni from DSDS. He asked me why I was downtown, "There's nothing down there." He said in his whiney voice. I laughed and looked around me. Across the street a group of people waited for the bus. One girl was wearing a full on rain suit. She had a long yellow rain coat, a big yellow rain hat, rain pants, and rubber boots--all yellow. All of a sudden, she fainted. She fell forward into a giant puddle and just layed there, face down. Everyone gave each other uncomfortable glances when another person keeled over. I told Benni what was happening, and he said, "Should've stayed in Germany, huh." "Yeah," I said. As I was putting my phone in my pocket, I noticed the puddles were getting deeper and spilling over into the street. The water raised past my ankles, so I started to run.

My heart felt like it was going to explode, but I couldn't stop. The crowd behind pushed past me as we ran up Cambie street. I knew I would be safe if I could just make it to this person but the crowd wouldn't let me get past. Finally the water reached me and dragged me down. "I don't want to die drowning," I thought. Then I woke up.

I guess I feel that if I go back to Vancouver, I will drown. Metaphorically, of course. I'm going back to finish my degree, but I'm scared I will fuck it up again and if that happens, I'm sure Benni from DSDS would've said, "Should've stayed in Germany." Arg. The dreams that followed after that all had the same theme and the same person. Don't understand.

Dreams

I had a dream last night that I cloned myself so that I could have a baby. Like Jango Fett raising Boba Fett as a son. After a few months, I called my mom and asked how long I had blue eyes for. She said, "About two seconds." But, baby clone me still had blue eyes and it looked like she'd have blonde hair. The doctors tried to explain the process to me but it didn't make sense. Not like, I'm too stupid and can't understand, but they said they used another man's sperm with my eggs... to me that doesn't seem like a clone... to me that's a real baby. Anyway, she looked exactly like me, and I loved her so much...

I think maybe my maternal instincts are starting to invade my dreams now. Freud said that your dreams are a secret wish. I think that's bullshit because sometimes I have really fucked up dreams where the world is ending, and I'm scared to death. Is that my wish? I wish to huddle in my apartment, screaming, while bombs drop over me?

I have PMS, which Anna doesn't seem to understand. Weird since she's a girl and all...

Forest and sands

Today it dawned on me that it's probably going to be a shock coming back to Canada. Even last year, when I was in the airport in London, I was amazed that the woman could speak English. We went grocery shopping today for our dinner and as I was riding up the escalator I caught a snatch of someone's conversation as they rode down the escalator, and I understood what they were saying. When I got off the escalator, I looked around at all the stores and signs around me, and I understood everything. We walked outside the mall and an old lady asked another old lady if she needed help, and I understood.

And the rain started again, and I realized that I'm totally fucked because I now have two countries that I'm semi fond of, and I can't get away with being a stupid Canadian anymore. The Jehovah's taught me that today when I answered the door and they asked for Anna and I said, "Sie is nicht hier.." but they didn't care, so I pretended my german was horrible, but they started speaking German. I'm sure they would've brought out french if I tried that one on for size. Bastards. But, I was nice to them. I told them I was leaving soon so no, I cannot accept a date to study the bible with your wife.. sorry.

Now Anna and I are going to see Terminator 4 totally wasted. Good times. I'm going to miss this town.. this country... this lady.