I would like here this

I have used the phrases "Sprechen Sie deutsch?", "Kein Deutsch", and "I don't speak German" way too much this week. Anna started to get the flu on the way back to Berlin. It hit her full force on Monday night leaving her incapacitated to do anything until today. I had to go to the Apotheka, which is German for a pharmacy, and ask the pharmacist if he could speak English. He didn't really answer, just sort of giggled nervously and made a groaning sound that sounded like a no. Anna had told me what to say to him incase, but I mixed up the words so if translated it would sound like "I would like here this!" Yess... I would like here this. 

The doctor payed a visit to us last night. After it took Anna 20 minutes to find the number for emergency. Apparentely, it varies for each region and city. It's five numbers.. why do German's have to make everything so complicated? Are they like, "911?? Pft! OUR country has FIVE numbers for emergency which means WE'RE smarter because we have to remeber more.. hah!" Yeah or you die because you can't remember the numbers and it's almost impossible to find the number for it and Germany doesn't have operators so you can't even be funny and be like, "Operator! I need the number for 9-1-1!" 

The doctor was a little man who was dressed like he was going to paint a house. His assistant wore a medical mask the entire time and wouldn't even handle the 10 euros that we owed. He tried to tell me something but Berliners speak way too quickly, so all I got out of the sentence was something about our table. I said, "Sorry, I can't speak German.. something on the table?" He looked at me with disgust and then snatched the money out of my hand. Awesome. 

So, I'm fine doing shit on my own. I probably look like a giant idiot because they always ask me something after I've paid and I always say "Nein"

"Have a good day!"
"NEIN!" 

Just another day in East Germany?

Yesterday, we embarked on our journey home from Buchen. It takes about ten hours and four trains. I don't mind it because I am one of those creeps who can fall asleep on moving objects (Except planes when I'm alone) Anyway, we arrived in Erfurt, which is East Germany. A few years ago, it was in the news because of the Erfurt Masscare, where a kid shot a bunch of his teachers. It's also where the neo nazi's tried to hold some demonstration, and it's where we found ourselves surrounded by several dozen swarms of police and hundreds of punk kids dressed head to toe in black. Some wore sunglasses and had scarves wrapped around their faces. It seemed like a party for them as they shouted loudly to each other and spread themselves all over the station. Some sat together, cross-legged, on the floor of the Bahnhof, others held each other and whispered in each others ears while laughing at the cops who stood at the ready with riot gear on their hips. 

After an uncomfortable visit to the bathroom, Anna and I made our way upstairs to the platform. We tried to stay as far away from the ever expanding crowd of punks but we were enclosed by a circle of Police. Anna pointed out that the whole station was surrounded by them. I looked out onto the street and sure enough four or five police cars stood waiting with their lights flashing. 

Our train finally pulled up. As it did, the cops made their way closer to the crowd. One woman cop had a camcorder affixed to a stick so she could record whatever was about to happen. My heart was smashing itself against my chest screaming at me to get the fuck out of there. 

Anna and I boarded our train, along with several punk kids, and two cops. The cops left after ten or so stops but the kids remained. Everyone got off the train except me, Anna, and the punks. They shouted at each other, kicked seats, and lit cigarettes, but they left us alone. 

When we got to Berlin, they were still everywhere. They seemed even more rowdy. Three of them were on the S-Bahn with us back to Spandau, yelling slogans about Erfurt and "The man who parts his hair on the side" 

I've searched the news for any sign that some riot broke out--nothing. Perhaps the cops succeded in keeping the kids at bay. 

Why you got to be so scary, East Germany?

Breaking up the toxins

On monday, I started the master cleanse. It went okay, until yesterday when Anna tempted me, like the devil she is, with her African chicken. I'm sure I'd still be on it, but she was like,

"Why are you torturing yourself? Just eat something! Come on!"

I gave in, and she made me a plate. But, I did lose 4 pounds... I guess that's something. Right now I'm waiting for the Salt water flush to kick in. Delicious. Healthy living! Once we get back to Berlin, I'm going to be all about healthy living.

I'm not really looking forward to coming back here again in a month and staying for a month. I try to tell Anna that her mom is just a constant nag, but she's used to it, so she doesn't see it. It's just pretty lame when Anna's 15-year-old nephew gets treated more like a grown-up than we do simply because he's a man. Alright, I better go turn the tv down and put some socks on before Ida loses her mind!

Taking everything into account

I forgot my password, and I could only retrieve in in German. As I was trying to read the German and figure out what to do, my mother-in-law came into our room carrying a chair and speaking German dialect with her heavy Russian accent. 

"I have no idea what you're saying," I said to her as she carried the chair to the corner of the room and set it down. 

She does this. She's not actually talking to me. She's just giving herself a play by play of what she's doing. If I were to translate it, it would sound something like:

"I have this chair and I'm carrying it to the corner of the bedroom. Now I'm standing on the chair and looking to see what's on top of Anna's closet. Edgar said he needed something, and I'm pretty sure I put it on here. After, I will step down off the chair-carefully, and I will call my daugther to gossip about what happened at Igor's today."

It was probably rude of me to even intrude on her reiteration of her tasks! 

Let's blow this joint

It's time to say farewell, Buchen. Our time was brief, yet I feel I got to know you so well.  I loved how the archeticture spilled out chronologically, ending at our apartment. I loved how when I went downtown, I was reminded that I was a small village in Germany. The local pub, cute and quaint, was almost like being on the set of Coronation street. Although, I don't think their pub smells like a fart.  The discoteck gave me a reason to hate teenagers even more and long for the rules against smoking that Canada has. Something about 400-year-old cigarette smoke seeping into my clothes and hair just doesn't sit right with me. 

Goodbye 9pm curfew! Even though I like visiting grandma's house, it just isn't fun to have grandma's rules govern a whole town. I like being able to get a coke at 11pm if I want to. Also, why is nothing open on Sunday? You'd think at least one store would be open besides the godless McDonalds. Which reminds me, goodbye cashier at Plus who always makes a crack everytime we buy a bottle of wine. How else are you supposed to pass the time in this town?

So, goodbye little town that has accomodated me for the past year. I've heard this story before, young native girl taken from her home country to follow her love only to be holed up in a room and never going outside. I don't want to meet Pocahontis's fate! Wait.. what was her fate. Maybe I should read up on that instead of relying on the Disney version. Anyway, goodbye Buchen. Hello Berlin! I hope Anna's grandma is wrong about us living on the streets because we'll be too poor and since we'll be living on the streets, the nazi's will hear me speak and then attack me because I'm Canadian. I hope you're wrong, Oma. I hope you're wrong. 

Ich bin eine Berliner... almost.

Last week, we went to Berlin to find an apartment. This being our second trip to the East, we were a little more relaxed with our surroundings. We took a bus tour of the centre of the city where we saw where Angela Merkel (www.angela-merkel.de) works, naked bums (literally, assholes) in a park, the pregnant oyster, and a lot of empty parking lots that used to be something beautiful. It was less depressing than the walking tour we took in January. Althought, I was hoping to see more garbage and stray puppies not 'this is the largest shopping mall in Europe' which we went to later and it smelled like rotten cheese. Actually, it smelled like my bathroom after an ex-girlfriend threw up Blue cheese steak and it got stuck in the drain pipes. Delicious. 

We have secured an apartment in Spandau. Since Spandau is about 30 minutes by train from the city centre, I was worried there would be nothing there. It would be like getting off in Maple Ridge and the only feature there is some Horse clock. Fortuantely for us Spandau is just like another little city complete with Malls, Starbucks, and Internet Cafes. Our apartment is about 10 minutes from the bahnhof and just off a main street. It's a two bedroom and has a fitted kitchen! For some reason, apartments don't come with the standard stove, fridge, and cupboards. Instead, you have to buy that shit on your own dime and haul it from place to place. Cupboards!! So it's pretty much a dream when you find an apartment that comes with all that stuff.  The bathroom does not accomadate fat people, they'll have to shimmy down the hallway to the toilet. Sorry. Both floors are hardwood (finally) and there's a nice little balcony that looks out into the street, not into the courtyard garbage bin like the others. 

Overall, I'm very pleased with our find. Every apartment was probably the most beautiful apartment I've ever seen considering I'm from Vancouver and character apartments like this would never be in my price range. 

Teeth & Taxes

My gigantic check list of things to accomplish while in Canada is slowly getting smaller. I am calling this week, Dental Week. I have been to the dentist twice so far and have another visit on Friday. It will be the most I've seen a dentist in about 7 years. Today's visit was pretty fun... I showed up thinking it was my appointment for the second half of the teeth cleaning but no, my dentist plopped me down in the chair then stuck a huge needle into my sensitive gummes. Gummes? Is that how you spell that? I don't know. Anyway, so the dental assistant starts to wedge the clamp for the raincoat on my teeth, but she can't quite get it. After successfully ripping up the gummes around my back molar, I managed to say, "it's fine," and just dealt with the biting pain throughout the session. The filling part wasn't too bad. He had to fix a filling that had come loose. I watched Frasier and pretended that I couldn't feel the drill in my teeth. I didn't want to ask for more freezing, like I usually do, because I didn't feel like having my entire face frozen all night. Now I'm just dealing with a partial freeze. My cheek keeps finding it's way in between my back molars. I'm sure it won't hurt too much once the freezing wears off.

Tomorrow... taxes.