No end in sight

This heat wave is never going to end. I woke up this morning so hot I thought I was going to barf. I still feel barfy and now I have to go work in a sweltering kitchen. No puking in the deep fryer.

I got my first sunburn in a long time. I think the last time I burned my shoulders I was 6. I had been swimming all day at Queen Elizabeth pool in Edmonton, and I thought I didn't need to worry since I was under water. I was sadly mistaken. This time I tried to wear sun block, but I wasn't flexible enough to reach the part that got sunburned. It felt real nice to sleep on it all night at Azure's house. Real nice.

Tonight's news at 6 is "Too hot to feel hot and bothered?" this heat is making everyone crazy.

3 more weeks til anna!

This will choke you

My ribs feel tight. This pressure is literally starting to suffocate me and it's only been two weeks. I have no idea how Eli has dealt with this for the past nine months. It's not really my mom that's drowning me, it's everyone around her. All of a sudden I have become Dr. Jessica, and I feel useless because I don't have any answers. I don't know how to fix this, but I'm trying.

I should've just let the phone go to voicemail, but I expected my mom to eventually answer it, so I beat her to it. It was my Nana, and she didn't want to talk to my mom. She wanted to talk to me. Somehow it seems better if I write this here. It makes it real because none of this feels real. It's like I've stepped into an alternate reality or a nightmare. But it's real.

I hate talking about her behind her back but it's all we do. It's all we can do because she won't listen to us or she constantly makes excuses for everything. She's the master of mind games and manipulation. Fortunately for us, we've picked up some tricks along the way. I just want to stop being scared and worried and anxoius. I don't want to breakdown every few days or have to be full of frustration. I want her to be that happy woman again, working in the yard or going to the beach. I don't want to lose her.

I think I'll eat your heart

I can't stop watching t.v. It's killing my soul. I just sat there and laughed while Peggy fell 10,000 feet and her parachute wouldn't open. I laughed. By the same token, it is making my transition into loneliness a lot easier.

Why does TD bank have to be so far? I have $90.00 worth of coinage that I have to cash in and no vehicle to get me there. The Nanaimo bus system is utter crap. After waiting half an hour for a bus to arrive, Preston and I gave up and took a cab. My poverty doesn't permit me such luxuries anymore. Luxuries is a weird word. Luxur.. ies. Yes, I have gotten into my mom's back medicine again. I just did an Anthony Hopkins impression and it was pretty damn good. I will show my mom now. She said it was good.

I went for lunch with Fiona and her boyfriend, Daniel, today. We wandered around downtown Nanaimo trying to find a place to eat. The Sake House was closed, The Vault had ran of bread (..the fuck?) so we had to settle for Acme, which has become Acme Rib & Sushi home. Weird. I had the sushi and I felt sick for a few hours after.

Now I am going to watch Red Dragon because I am too self-concious to go and play soccer.

1

I'm having trouble getting this day started. I woke up at 6 a.m. unable to sleep because it was too hot, and I'm pretty sure the pigeons have found another way into the roof. I could hear them scurrying around again. Why? Well, at least it's not as bad as last year. I could seriously hear eggs rolling around in the rafters. Gross.

I managed to fall asleep again around 8 a.m. where I fell into the weirdest dream ever. Nathan and I were at Costco waiting in line for bread when the power went out. Everyone went crazy because no one could see anything. Knowing that nathan's a smoker, I asked him for his lighter. It didn't take long for everyone to start looting the place. I stole a carton of cigarettes and ran outside. Once outside, I noticed everyone was covered in these thick, yellow worms that were killing them. I ran onto a bus to hide from them but found that all the seats were taken. I had to sit on this big black guys lap. Then this cat that looked more like a fox got on the bus and tried attacking me. I knew if it bit me I'd get rabies and die, but I couldn't go outside because of worms. Some girl got up and wrestled the cat away from me and jumped outside with it. I was like, "Nooooooo! The worms!!!" The bus stopped, and I found a car and started driving towards the arctic. I figured the worms wouldn't be in the cold. Once I was in the mountains, I found a diner and stopped to have coffee and lo and behold Roxanne was sitting at a table! I sat down and had a coffee with her and then I woke up.

Okay. I must go vacuum, dust, and pull some weeds. I don't think I have the power to make my mom's house look like it used to, but I will try my hardest.

No hands!

I'm packing up to leave. It's hard to pack because we don't have a scale, and I have no idea how heavy 22 kgs is. I always thinks I have a rough estimate, but I'm not so sure anymore. I can lift the suitcase with one hand, so I guess that's a good sign. The burly luggage handlers can surely lift it with both hands to load it into the airplane. .. why do I have so much stuff? It doesn't feel like I have that much stuff but when I think about it, that's the only stuff I own in this world and it all fits into two suitcases. Well, I own more, but I had to take it out because of heavy fears. I only wear two outfits anyway. I don't know what all these clothes are for.

So nine months has past since I've last been to Canada. I've lived in three different places, learned how to speak german somewhat, and met no one. I saw a lot of amazing things like everything in Berlin, the Stuttgart oktoberfest, swiss dolphins, Russian family dinners, east germany (including the scary incident in Ehrfurt). So many memories... and I never cut my hair. This mane is ridiculous! I think it's grown almost a foot since it was last cut. I had short bangs when I left, now they are past my chins. Yes, chins. Damn you delicious german food!

Priorities in Canada: get a job, lose weight. Thank god for drop-in gyms. I was thinking of joining pilates too, but I think it might be too expensive for my budget. I was planning on riding my bike everywhere too, but Eli informed me that it was stolen--again. When Anna and I brought our bikes here, I was like, "We should get locks!" she didn't understand why since our bikes are ugly and old and no one would want to steal them. Those standards don't matter in Canada. People will steal a bike whatever condition it is in. Here, beautiful bikes lay around unlocked. I guess no one wants to steal a bike because everyone has a bike. Seriously, at this one school there's probably 300-400 bikes outside in the bike racks. Germany is a bike country. Bike roads, split bike/human walkways, bike bridges, bike racks everywhere. I almost get runover daily.. stupid bikes. And no one wears a helmet! Sometimes I see people riding their bikes with no hands, smoking or talking on their cell phone (sometimes both), no helmet, and a baby in the back... horrible.

Random Germany

These pictures are taken in and around Konstanz and Kreuzlingen. Anna found it weird that I was taking pictures of garbage cans, food places, and underpasses... but they're different from canada! Here's the first one.. reminds me of a Slim Pickin's/Dear Diary song...

I've got solar power, I've got solar power.......

This is graffiti near my apartment


The German's love their asparagus


This looks like an old oil drum but it's where they deposit their glass bottles. No money for wine bottles here!


Our dinner friend at the Gay restaurant, Schmitt's, in Konstanz


Weird water fountain nipple in Switzerland


The German children in signs are less co-operative than Canadian signs.. look at the buckling knees!


I want this little van. It's the cutest. It's like those power wheel cars my brothers had when we were little.

Flooding

I woke up in pain and it was still dark out. It couldn't have been too early though because the birds were chirping. I forgot that the blinds were down so maybe the sun had just started to rise. I lied in bed and recalled my dream.

I was in Downtown, Vancouver, under an overpass, moving snow in to slushy piles. It was raining and I was talking on my cell phone to Benni from DSDS. He asked me why I was downtown, "There's nothing down there." He said in his whiney voice. I laughed and looked around me. Across the street a group of people waited for the bus. One girl was wearing a full on rain suit. She had a long yellow rain coat, a big yellow rain hat, rain pants, and rubber boots--all yellow. All of a sudden, she fainted. She fell forward into a giant puddle and just layed there, face down. Everyone gave each other uncomfortable glances when another person keeled over. I told Benni what was happening, and he said, "Should've stayed in Germany, huh." "Yeah," I said. As I was putting my phone in my pocket, I noticed the puddles were getting deeper and spilling over into the street. The water raised past my ankles, so I started to run.

My heart felt like it was going to explode, but I couldn't stop. The crowd behind pushed past me as we ran up Cambie street. I knew I would be safe if I could just make it to this person but the crowd wouldn't let me get past. Finally the water reached me and dragged me down. "I don't want to die drowning," I thought. Then I woke up.

I guess I feel that if I go back to Vancouver, I will drown. Metaphorically, of course. I'm going back to finish my degree, but I'm scared I will fuck it up again and if that happens, I'm sure Benni from DSDS would've said, "Should've stayed in Germany." Arg. The dreams that followed after that all had the same theme and the same person. Don't understand.