Business as usual

The rains have finally come to the West Coast. I was starting to get nervous once the dry summer spread into the autumn. The winds have shook the remaining leaves from the trees, which somehow seem to find their way into the kitchen every day... I'm trying to find a segway into how I lost my job the other day. Leaves fall from trees which means a new season which means slow business which means no more job for me.

I was a bit upset because I found out that I had lost my job 20 minutes before I was due to close up shop. We have a "communications book" where usually the manager writes about new policies or the assistant manager writes about how we need some "fucking common sense, man. Fuck." I had just finished portioning 300+ bags of cheese curd for our poutine when I realized I hadn't looked at the book or the daily duties. First, I checked out the daily duties. No, I was not going to stamp the bags since we had enough to last us a few months. Now that that was out of the way, I opened the book to see what my manager had written.

Now, I realized that she had been acting a bit strange in the last couple of days. The day before, I called and asked if I could take a 20 dollar advance since my bank still had a hold on my cheque. She got really uncomfortable about it and said that it would have to come off the cheque that was being processed now. Since it seemed like such a big deal, I told her to just forget about it. I ended up making $14 in tips so it was okay. Anyway, the next day when I got on shift, she didn't stay to chit chat like she usually does. She grabbed her shit and ran out of there. I didn't think anything of it until I read her note.

I'm not paraphrasing because I can't remember verbatom what she wrote but it along the lines of, "Due to slow business, I need to cut some shifts. Don't take it personally, I love you guys and it was awesome working with you all! Cut offs start next week." I ran over to the calendar to see what shifts she had cut of mine.... ALL OF THEM! I no longer worked at Pirate chips!! I was so mad! How could I not take it personally? A piece of paper just layed me off.

So, I wrote a passive agressive not under her note, called her up and told her to officially lay me off so I could collect benefits (which I found out I'm not even eligible for anyway) and find someone else to work the late Saturday shift. Now I have 2 weeks until I go to Germany, and I will have 400 dollars less that I had anticipated and now way of getting it. I think she could have handled those 5 fucking shifts! Or at least she could've given me some warning.

This is why I don't feel bad about lying to my employers because they will fuck you over in an instant.

good will hunting

I feel like Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting... except I'm terrible at math. I'm doing this menial job, when I know I could be doing better. I had this great plan of returning to Canada and going back to school but that all fell apart. Now I'm learning that I had more options but it's too late for this semester. I have to wait for next semester.

I'm sure I'm being paranoid or maybe I'm not. I can feel the condescending looks the students give me when I make them fries. Like, poor her.. good thing I'm a student. But I'll still be doing this when I go back to school. I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess it's hard to deal with when people from my past keep appearing at my counter with this surprised look on their face. "What are you doing here?" They ask, as if I'm being held prisoner there. This is what happens when you drop out of school, move to a foreign country, and then move back to NANAIMO to take care of your mother.

I'm going back to school in January but not in Vancouver. None of my plans have followed through, and I'm sure they won't follow through. I'm sick of planning shit. It just leads to disappointment. Where's my Robin Williams?

No end in sight

This heat wave is never going to end. I woke up this morning so hot I thought I was going to barf. I still feel barfy and now I have to go work in a sweltering kitchen. No puking in the deep fryer.

I got my first sunburn in a long time. I think the last time I burned my shoulders I was 6. I had been swimming all day at Queen Elizabeth pool in Edmonton, and I thought I didn't need to worry since I was under water. I was sadly mistaken. This time I tried to wear sun block, but I wasn't flexible enough to reach the part that got sunburned. It felt real nice to sleep on it all night at Azure's house. Real nice.

Tonight's news at 6 is "Too hot to feel hot and bothered?" this heat is making everyone crazy.

3 more weeks til anna!

This will choke you

My ribs feel tight. This pressure is literally starting to suffocate me and it's only been two weeks. I have no idea how Eli has dealt with this for the past nine months. It's not really my mom that's drowning me, it's everyone around her. All of a sudden I have become Dr. Jessica, and I feel useless because I don't have any answers. I don't know how to fix this, but I'm trying.

I should've just let the phone go to voicemail, but I expected my mom to eventually answer it, so I beat her to it. It was my Nana, and she didn't want to talk to my mom. She wanted to talk to me. Somehow it seems better if I write this here. It makes it real because none of this feels real. It's like I've stepped into an alternate reality or a nightmare. But it's real.

I hate talking about her behind her back but it's all we do. It's all we can do because she won't listen to us or she constantly makes excuses for everything. She's the master of mind games and manipulation. Fortunately for us, we've picked up some tricks along the way. I just want to stop being scared and worried and anxoius. I don't want to breakdown every few days or have to be full of frustration. I want her to be that happy woman again, working in the yard or going to the beach. I don't want to lose her.

I think I'll eat your heart

I can't stop watching t.v. It's killing my soul. I just sat there and laughed while Peggy fell 10,000 feet and her parachute wouldn't open. I laughed. By the same token, it is making my transition into loneliness a lot easier.

Why does TD bank have to be so far? I have $90.00 worth of coinage that I have to cash in and no vehicle to get me there. The Nanaimo bus system is utter crap. After waiting half an hour for a bus to arrive, Preston and I gave up and took a cab. My poverty doesn't permit me such luxuries anymore. Luxuries is a weird word. Luxur.. ies. Yes, I have gotten into my mom's back medicine again. I just did an Anthony Hopkins impression and it was pretty damn good. I will show my mom now. She said it was good.

I went for lunch with Fiona and her boyfriend, Daniel, today. We wandered around downtown Nanaimo trying to find a place to eat. The Sake House was closed, The Vault had ran of bread (..the fuck?) so we had to settle for Acme, which has become Acme Rib & Sushi home. Weird. I had the sushi and I felt sick for a few hours after.

Now I am going to watch Red Dragon because I am too self-concious to go and play soccer.

1

I'm having trouble getting this day started. I woke up at 6 a.m. unable to sleep because it was too hot, and I'm pretty sure the pigeons have found another way into the roof. I could hear them scurrying around again. Why? Well, at least it's not as bad as last year. I could seriously hear eggs rolling around in the rafters. Gross.

I managed to fall asleep again around 8 a.m. where I fell into the weirdest dream ever. Nathan and I were at Costco waiting in line for bread when the power went out. Everyone went crazy because no one could see anything. Knowing that nathan's a smoker, I asked him for his lighter. It didn't take long for everyone to start looting the place. I stole a carton of cigarettes and ran outside. Once outside, I noticed everyone was covered in these thick, yellow worms that were killing them. I ran onto a bus to hide from them but found that all the seats were taken. I had to sit on this big black guys lap. Then this cat that looked more like a fox got on the bus and tried attacking me. I knew if it bit me I'd get rabies and die, but I couldn't go outside because of worms. Some girl got up and wrestled the cat away from me and jumped outside with it. I was like, "Nooooooo! The worms!!!" The bus stopped, and I found a car and started driving towards the arctic. I figured the worms wouldn't be in the cold. Once I was in the mountains, I found a diner and stopped to have coffee and lo and behold Roxanne was sitting at a table! I sat down and had a coffee with her and then I woke up.

Okay. I must go vacuum, dust, and pull some weeds. I don't think I have the power to make my mom's house look like it used to, but I will try my hardest.

No hands!

I'm packing up to leave. It's hard to pack because we don't have a scale, and I have no idea how heavy 22 kgs is. I always thinks I have a rough estimate, but I'm not so sure anymore. I can lift the suitcase with one hand, so I guess that's a good sign. The burly luggage handlers can surely lift it with both hands to load it into the airplane. .. why do I have so much stuff? It doesn't feel like I have that much stuff but when I think about it, that's the only stuff I own in this world and it all fits into two suitcases. Well, I own more, but I had to take it out because of heavy fears. I only wear two outfits anyway. I don't know what all these clothes are for.

So nine months has past since I've last been to Canada. I've lived in three different places, learned how to speak german somewhat, and met no one. I saw a lot of amazing things like everything in Berlin, the Stuttgart oktoberfest, swiss dolphins, Russian family dinners, east germany (including the scary incident in Ehrfurt). So many memories... and I never cut my hair. This mane is ridiculous! I think it's grown almost a foot since it was last cut. I had short bangs when I left, now they are past my chins. Yes, chins. Damn you delicious german food!

Priorities in Canada: get a job, lose weight. Thank god for drop-in gyms. I was thinking of joining pilates too, but I think it might be too expensive for my budget. I was planning on riding my bike everywhere too, but Eli informed me that it was stolen--again. When Anna and I brought our bikes here, I was like, "We should get locks!" she didn't understand why since our bikes are ugly and old and no one would want to steal them. Those standards don't matter in Canada. People will steal a bike whatever condition it is in. Here, beautiful bikes lay around unlocked. I guess no one wants to steal a bike because everyone has a bike. Seriously, at this one school there's probably 300-400 bikes outside in the bike racks. Germany is a bike country. Bike roads, split bike/human walkways, bike bridges, bike racks everywhere. I almost get runover daily.. stupid bikes. And no one wears a helmet! Sometimes I see people riding their bikes with no hands, smoking or talking on their cell phone (sometimes both), no helmet, and a baby in the back... horrible.