My ribs feel tight. This pressure is literally starting to suffocate me and it's only been two weeks. I have no idea how Eli has dealt with this for the past nine months. It's not really my mom that's drowning me, it's everyone around her. All of a sudden I have become Dr. Jessica, and I feel useless because I don't have any answers. I don't know how to fix this, but I'm trying.
I should've just let the phone go to voicemail, but I expected my mom to eventually answer it, so I beat her to it. It was my Nana, and she didn't want to talk to my mom. She wanted to talk to me. Somehow it seems better if I write this here. It makes it real because none of this feels real. It's like I've stepped into an alternate reality or a nightmare. But it's real.
I hate talking about her behind her back but it's all we do. It's all we can do because she won't listen to us or she constantly makes excuses for everything. She's the master of mind games and manipulation. Fortunately for us, we've picked up some tricks along the way. I just want to stop being scared and worried and anxoius. I don't want to breakdown every few days or have to be full of frustration. I want her to be that happy woman again, working in the yard or going to the beach. I don't want to lose her.
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